Day 4 of “100 Days of Rope” experiment = June 24, 2024. I have been up all night mostly talking with someone so I am just getting to writing this post. I did not practice tying today because what started out yesterday as a little twinge had turned into a day of nerve pain mostly when I would sit down in certain angles. I did not feel comfortable attempting to tie when I was already in pain. Thankfully this morning (its 04:08 on June 25) the nerve flare feels so much better and I’m not entirely sure if it’s due to a combo of massage and caring how I sit/stand/stretch/work it out, or if it was just something that was in passing. I’m gonna try on this blog to not concentrate mainly on health issues and flare ups unless it directly impacts my ability to tie on any given day, in which case I may reflect upon that. That being said I do have some chronic health stuff that has flare ups and I’m working with what I’ve got.
On another note that may loop around eventually if I talk through it enough: I was talking with someone last week and a picture of Durga fell on my head. This picture had not ever fallen on anyone, but did indeed need to be rehung differently I would learn last night in conversation.
We, my friend and I, had been talking about having predispositions or maybe the wording was weaknesses/lessons to learn or reflect on that show up in how we get hurt or injure ourselves. I had just mentioned about a predisposition I have toward biting my lip when Durga in her painting had popped off the wall and down onto my head.
In conversation last night the topic was brought up again and posed to me in a question approximating: what do I feel is a lesson or topic to be gathered in relation to the incident of Durga falling upon my head? In reflection I realized that I associate the accidental biting of my cheek with getting ahead of myself and over excited when talking or eating especially. This then reminds me to slow down and take time to reflect on what I am doing or at least savor the moment that has me excited or even angry.
This led to further realizations such as… talk of Durga being related to Maya and illusion = noticing that the over excitement that leads to my lip biting is indicative of me being entangled in illusions whether wonderful or horrible and I could do with being ever more selective over what I allow to have that kind of response from me. If I am to be entangled, what is worth being entangled over? When I had the thought that I have spent much time meditating on Kali because I had a lot of anger and Kali knows anger so I related to her in her fierceness and wrath that I did not always want to let out in myself for fear of burning every relationship to the ground even when that is the fodder that my anger craves, I spent a lot of time in devotion to anger and saw Kali as a fellow in arms who I sought to learn about my own anger from.
At a certain point in my life, I felt my anger shift and though still present and able to be called up and up on, I had become no longer swept up in the passion of it. I was still full of passion, but able to turn it over in my hands a bit and look at it without being consumed. Around this time I could feel that there was someone else occupying my thoughts who was related to Kali in some way, still fierce and strong, but not Kali. This being is Durga. Last night I realized that about 10 years ago after acknowledging the change from being so enamored and in devotion with Kali to noticing Durga’s presence, I have only given her a few fractions of the attention I had given Kali before hand.
Yes I was gripped by passion and sought refuge in some emotion and being I could understand (and so much more than that), then came a transition which has been very difficult for me. I do not believe that this does justice to what offerings of time/devotion/service I could give to Durga. I feel disconnected from my ability to offer nurturance (paradoxically because I can and do nurture) particularly when it is not a crisis situation and this makes me feel angry at myself, ashamed and afraid of being emotionally disconnected.
I am wondering about how self tying and offering myself the space to be bound physically can offer me the opportunity to explore my own boundaries and how in this situation I can give myself the nurturance I need from myself. I wish to explore this. In turn I believe this practice will help me to offer more sustained and less critical nurturance to others. I can do this to honor myself, those I care for and the Durga and Krishna that resides in the heart.
Sometimes I feel like some kinda emotional crisis responder and I’m getting more than a bit fed up with offering crisis support and not being up to the level I want to be with more long term situations of care and nurtance. It’s not as though I get bored with giving support, that I am on high alert for because if I’m bored with it I want to know why I am disengaging. Its more that I don’t feel qualified to care for people in long term meaningful ways that are purposeful or well thought out. After a certain time frame I can offer just what comes off the cuff, which is straight from the heart, but I feel the need to offer more strategic support. I want to be well thought out and organized and it bothers me quite often these days that I have not gotten to that level yet with what I can reasonably expect to be able to “put on the table” for those I care the most about.
In regards to rope and Durga I think this is the reflection I am going to ask myself after I tie, then unwrap, as I am decompressing even on days I do not actively tie. I will ask: How has this session/day served my ability to nurture myself? How have I served my own illusions today? What illusions do I want to serve? What can I do to slow down and offer nurturance to, in and on behalf of others?
How has this session/day served my ability to nurture myself? I have had a lot of realization in this area in the last 24 hours. I can see and name the areas I am pointedly wanting to address in new and invigorating ways. I feel my passion for action being revitalizied after falling into lethargy around unhappiness with what I have the ability/knowledge and energy level to nurish and sustain in and on behalf of myself and others. I am over joyed at having more of a direction to aim myself at delving into.
How have I served my own illusions today? I have talked a lot about how I feel and what I believe which means that I have been prioritizing my own thoughts before serving others which is a healthy boundary that I am working on. I have served my own illusions of being on point by actually being on point in the aspect of having areas to focus on. Also I have a bit put off some mundane tasks for sleep and the quest to understand where I am needing and wanting to focus my attention.
What illusions do I want to serve? I want to serve the illusion of being on top of what I need to attend to by placing more focus on the mundane tasks of everyday life now that I have some deeper clarity on an area I have a need and a drive to focus on especially one that will probably lead to improved quality of life for myself and those around me. I want to serve the illusion of time management better so that I can tend towards being more organized rather than disorganized. I want to tend the illusion of being more self serving and maybe a bit of a bitch if that is what it takes for me to say no to distractions from becoming able to sustain long-term and greater strategic levels of nurturance for myself and those I devote my time and focus to. I am picturing the amount of nurturance I have to offer being allocated similarly to meal planning with room for sponteinaity to arise. By addressing this issue I hope to be able to offer a healthier variety of sustainance to the relationships that I cultivate.
What can I do to slow down and offer nurturance to, in and on behalf of others? I can massage around the knot of time management because I feel like nearly everytime I put too much pressure there I seize. So I will focus on taking time to reflect on what needs to be done and what I feel the most passion around completing throughout the day. Maybe I will end up more organized. Worth more than just a shot.
<3
